but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
