i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
