he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize