I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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