I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
