remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
so much tequila, so little girl.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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