haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
