i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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