Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
