I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
