i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
