the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
