Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
