Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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