Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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