Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize