Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
