wakey wakey hands off snakey
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
