i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
