Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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