I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
