Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
