so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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