there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
