why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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