sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
