It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
