I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
