when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
