Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
