My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
