a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
