soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
