Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Send help, water and tortillas.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
