The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
