I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Michael Bay diarrhea
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
