Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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