I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
