Don't make out with my wife yet
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
