so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Randomize