I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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