when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize