We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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