I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
