Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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