Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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