the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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