I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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