I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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