this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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