So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
