woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
