I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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