You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
