someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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