franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
