so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
