i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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