shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
