I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
