Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
