Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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