I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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