Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
