I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
